Dojo of the Nightblades
You are standing within the Nightblades' Dojo. The floors are polished
hardwood and the walls are paper screens. A weapon display lines the east
wall, a seating area to the south and a strange indoor garden lies to the west.
A simple sliding door is the entryway to the Dojo.
Assorted weapons line the east wall, most predominately a beautifully
A tasseled cushion is on a dais against the south wall. Various other
cushions are scatted on the floor below it. It is presumably an area for
members to talk with each other.
The west wing opens up to a huge garden. A small soothing waterfall cascades
down from a steam deep within the garden. A leather bound book lies open upon
Perched upon the rafters is a strange little hawk.
Wooden floors. Feels nice.
Its feathers are pure-white in colour. A faint dark purple aura surrounds its
body. It watches you closely.... watching you like a.. er.. hawk.
The metal is polished to near flawlessness. The handle is made of wood,
painted black, carved in a simple design more practicle than for show. A
small note underneath reads:
"The sword Whitehawk used in his last days as a mortal."
The book is full of text and diagrams; skimming through it you find an
...after enough experience a member might have bonded with their totem animal
that collaborates with their own spirit. Most likely this animal is one that
follows their attitude and natural behaviour.
Whilst this behaviour only slightly accents them at rest, an attack on them or
the following is enough to release the total spirit within them. Once
unleashed, they become very unpredictable, their instincts are focused
onto destroying those who attacked...
Prior to becoming a DemiGod, Whitehawk sent me a copy of his temple draft and following concept, asking me for feedback. His final version was very different than his initial draft. Here's my notes. - Cordir 12:15, 22 May 2012 (MST)
You’ve come up with a very intriguing following concept, but one that dances along the “in-genre” rules set down by Tynian. If you could find a different word to use, other than “Ninja”, I think you’d be just fine.
Name Suggestions: Pathfinders / Students of the Way / Wayfinders / or perhaps a Japanese word that means something like “student-warrior” or something along those lines.
I like how you don’t focus on the structure of the temple, but allow the birds and people there to be the primary relater of information. I’m a little confused as to what EFA is there for, other than to be a cute chick… Also, why does the male ogre giggle? That one sentence seems very out of place in this rather cool, japanese style temple/school
One thing I saw that is an issue is very long blocks of description. This is something to be mindful of, as many players use TELNET and cannot scroll back to read what is written as it streams by. So keep your paragraphs short.
The primary thing to focus on when crafting a following and a temple is this: Focus on your theme. When you want to add something, ask, “Does this reflect, enhance, or clarify my theme?” You’ve done a good job of keeping that focus.
Suggestions on your temple:
One of the hardest things to do, is craft a temple both for the first glance of a newcomer, and for the eyes of those who have looked at it day in and day out since they joined. “Active” versus “passive” verbs in the description affect how its read. Most of us (myself included) make our temples “active” voice – so it always reads as if the viewer has just entered the room for the first time. This is both a good and a bad thing – you have to decide for yourself, which you want to express.
Holy Altar: (Green Aura) A beautiful hawk watches you closely.
NOTE: realize that your Altar (the hawk) is an OBJECT, not a mob. That means its going to look a little weird if you ever OPEN the altar. You can avoid that by always creating your holy symbols, rather than taking one from your altar.