No Shit, There I Was Writing Contest - 2016

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July 13, 2016:
I am hosting a writing competition. The theme is, "No &#!^, there I was..." Recounting a tale of high adventure, worse luck, or the one that got away, within the context of TFC.
Extra Bonus Points will be given if you are basing your tale on an event on TFC for which you have a log you can provide.
Entries should be emailed to Cordir@hotmail.com .

Rules:
As always, I am the sole arbiter of the winner.
Entries will be posted to the wiki.
The deadline is April 1st at noon.
Grammar and spelling counts.
Minimum of 500 words.
One entry per _character_.
ALL Entries should start with the catch phrase, "No &#!^, there I was..."

Prizes:
1st place: 500,000 gold and a 3 Quest Point voucher
2nd place: 250,000 gold and a 2 Quest Point voucher
3rd place: 150,000 gold, and a 1 quest point voucher

Entry #1:by Lexie

NO SHIT, there I was with Samiyah's bedpost lodged in my back, one day in Kuroth. I should start with some background information first, though. Let's go back a few years, before the bedpost. My squishy, snuggly Wish, my Demi-God of Alchemy, had taught me how to do His special Big Squishy hug while He was mortal. It was perfected when He became Immortal. Of course, He has more tentacles than I do, but why should that matter??? Such a warm, friendly hug it was... There was even an abbreviation created just for that hug, the "BS". I practiced this type of hug, in honor of Wish.

Anyway. The bedpost. Sparhawk was about to hit level 40, a great accomplishment. People were gathered in Kuroth to celebrate the event - Samiyah, Kelek, Belgarion, Cresom, and me. We all wished him well, why else would we be there, right? I cheered alongside Cresom and Belgarion. Confetti was thrown. I even had fresh botox injections and newly acquired tushy implants. I was ready to party!

Imagine the shock when my dagger *** PULVERIZED *** Sparhawk when I executed a BS for the Big Squishy HUG! By the time my gasp of astonishment fully registered, I had Sami rescuing Sparhawk, and Belgarion laughing on the sidelines of this utter fiasco. I was still in shock when Sami did a wackadoo yoga move that *** ANNIHILATED *** me. I was completely frozen to the spot. Not just because I saw her do mind-boggling yoga, but she also did a belly dance. So hot! I quickly came to my senses, however, when she viciously jabbed a bedpost into my back. That hurt my feelings. And my back (but my chiropractor was happy to see me the next day).

So, I immediately jumped out of combat. Someone - I'm assuming it was spammer Sparhawk - kept attacking me, so Kelek had to get involved. After I *** ATOMIZED *** Kelek (with a very expensive perfume - I should be reimbursed don’t you think?), I thought this situation was contained. But no. Sami goes berserk! Some sort of hammer face palm smashed my botox causing it to ooze out of my eyes and nose, doing gods know what to my sinuses. Her buttkick did a number on my bottom, farewell to the 250,000 gp implants.

THEN, Sami went all UFC on me and uppercut my jaw. That hurt. You know you can't do much with a broken jaw. In spite of the agonizing pain and sadness I felt over the loss of my jaw and implants, I managed to stave off Sparhawk and spazzy Kelek. But then Kelek went and destroyed my spleen. Even if you don't NEED one, it's still nice to HAVE one, and I would've preferred to be in a hospital for the procedure. So, I jumped out of combat once again. This didn't stop the Suicide Squad, they kept attacking and Sami uppercut me yet again, in spite of there being no jaw left to uppercut. I had no choice but to run for my life, dragging my droopy behind...behind me.

Entry #2: by DarkClaw

No &#!^, there I was...wandering through the Savannah on a mission to acquire some new furs for Star's office...when I happened across HER. Bonny black troll, my butt. She wasn't even black! She was blue, like the color of a newly-formed bruise. The same red pattern on her hand, the same large ears and tusks...it had to have been the wine. How could I ever have found her attractive?! I vowed to throttle Nilap the next time I saw him for getting me that drunk.

I turned around quickly, not wanting to be seen, but it was too late. Before I could take two steps, a strong grip found my wrist and hurled me around. Face-to-face with her, I swallowed hard, trying not to show my disgust with her appearance. And that stench. Ugh! I dared not consider what it might be from. She watched me closely, staring down over her nose at me, then finally broke out into a huge grin. One more feral than friendly. My gaze dropped to notice her very big teeth and their state of decay and I reacted out of instinct, trying to yank free of her hold. Before I knew it, I was crushed against the expanse of her chest, barely able to breathe. Okay! Quick lesson in troll etiquette; Don't be rash. Stilling my struggle, I waited, my rasping breaths loud to my ears. The troll's "embrace" eventually loosened some and my lungs filled with a huge supply of air, then I exhaled and pulled my head back to really look at her.

"Um. Hello. I was just wandering through in search of furs. I did not mean to..." I let my eyes sweep through the surroundings of the cave then back to her. "intrude on your home?"

Her forehead wrinkled as if her huge, troll-like brain couldn't comprehend my words and it dawned on me that I was speaking in the Elven tongue. Switching to the gutteral sound of Trollish, I repeated my words, and she grinned again then grunted. Next thing I knew, she released me and proceeded to rifle through my bags and their contents. Not bothering to replace the items in their respective containers, she moved onto the next, then the next, until she finally yanked out some flowers from one of them and let out what I assumed was a sound of delight. Bringing them to her large nose, she inhaled very deeply and her features softened a fraction, if that were possible for a troll. I swear I could almost see their petals and leaves wilt in response. Her eyes met mine as she held the roses to her face and she growled in her tongue the question of "For me?"

Quickly, my brain began to work in overdrive, trying to devise a plan for escape, when it dawned on me. She had given me the perfect out! I smiled the sweetest smile I could muster and nodded, then replied, "Yes! I will go and find more for you if you would like. It shouldn't take long."

She jumped up in the air, her large feet loud when they came down to hit the cavern floor, and threw her long arms in the air, nodding quickly in return. "Go. Find. Now."

I wasted no time in turning and running towards the entrance, not even caring about the bags I was leaving behind, or the fact that she confiscated my Lady's flowers, and not looking back.

Entry #3: Vex

(Vex's initial entry did not meet the 500 word minimum and was disqualified. After the contest was over, he asked to be allowed to re-submit his entry. This is the second submission.)
No shit, there he was, sentinel over what had been created. All of the hard work, and all the effort roaring, climbing, soaring… a dragon beyond control. A light shone over his shoulder, exposing the dark side of the moon. The madness of power and confidence of stifle. Suffocating those who would defy the beast. The Coven, a monster that had grown from purpose to fend off the relentless Black Conclave. He stood over it all, beside many others who had rose to the challenge. His body ached with an instinct, hardly far from training at the core, to dance with Evil.

A memory rose from that tingling familiarity… A memory of war between Good and Evil. A Wardancer mastering combat in the courtyard of the temples. He pushed until he knew his limits and the limits of those who sought to see him dead. He answered the call to arms whenever it was given. In the end of the days of Solanthas’ first tenure he found his efforts lacking. He reasoned to fight evil with evil as a means to an end… but what that end had become… The dark side of the dragon shone no more nor less evil than its adversaries. How far had he let himself slip and steeled resolve against the thought of failure. What was failure? The question ignited a flurry of introspection. Was it that he should die? He had died many times before in his trials to get to this point. Was it that one of the Coven should die? How often did that happen, and how much did it eat away at his being with each occurrence? Was it that he should flee? Sometimes the cost of pride can equal an amount of time invested that would be obvious to any other that fleeing was the proper choice. Yet, not to him. Was it that he was evil? Now this is his deep reflection. It felt the proper question. Perhaps because he had drifted so far from his good nature, that he would kill Goods to protect the Evil that he had become to kill Evil? What was he doing? He stood beside many goliaths who had skill, wit and ability. “Do they really need me?” he asked himself. Others will rise to fill the void left by the Grim Warder.

At that moment an urge from deep within his being twisted and turned his insides and squeezed his heart, as if by an invisible hand gripping with all its power. A duty much greater than the one he sought to uphold, until the very last droplet of blood would leave his veins, beckoned him beyond and lured him away from his petty quarrels. It pulled him towards something… something much more real and engaged in a battle that had been waging longer than the existence of the realm. He felt a calling beyond the blight, someone needed him. They needed his soul and the fury that came with it to use it for a cause greater than himself, the Coven or the realm. Slowly, he glimpsed the many Coven at his side. With a short nod he glimpsed the beast that they had raised together and departed their presence for good.